I decided for this profile to be anonymous because this is my way to get rid of some thaughts that I don't want to share with friends or family. Writing has always healped me to get the weight of my heart so I hope that someone will finde this interesting to read. My blogs will mostly content the sad and personal stuff in my life, so hope someone will enjoy this.
Lots of Love to all the readers and visitors.
Not good enough ..
Well, I have been carrying this around in my head for a while now without really figuring anything out. This is a thing that I rather not talk about with friends and a thing that I keep away from my family, for bouth there sake, and my own. It all started with a feeling of not being good enough, this feeling slowly suffocates you from within and although people say that it helps to talk about it, it sadly dosen’t always work. Not in my case. This is something that grows to the point of no return, when everything semes to break down, like it’s out of control, and that’s when you begin to look for a way to handle it. You try to finde ways to make yourself remember how it feels to have control over something. When it comes to me, I found it in an eatingdisorder. It is one of the worse ways to make yourself feel in control of something, but once you have fallen in, its hard to return, and specialy when you don’t want to. I understand that this is wrong, but it seemed like the perfect way to make myself feel better, to get thiner, better looking, maby then I will be good enough. It made, and still makes me feel like I’m in control of at least something, but it’s newer enough. I crave after losing more weight, although some of the people that I meet think that I should gain some, but I don’t se what they se. I newer did. People that get to know the story say that I need healp, but I just don’t feel sick enough. It’s a way of punishing yourself, for the things that went wrong, even if they wern’t your fault. It started slow, but for the last few mounth I only alow myself to eat once and sometimes twise a week. It’s a given day. Meanwhile, all different kindes of flued keeps me going. I feel terrible for writting this, but It is a hudge weight of bouth my shoulders, and my heart. Many people say that eatingdisorders are to get attention, and maybe in some cases they are, but not in mine. This is something that I am ashamed of, and still, proud in a sick way. A secret that suffocates me. Every mirror says different things, and some days it seemes like I am close to my goal, or that I already have reached it, and others it feels like I couldent bee more far away. This all started with depression, and losing someone I loved and still love deeply, and now I don’t have any good or happy thaughts in my minde, and when they try to get in, they don’t stay for a long time. Everything seemes to be too much to handle and the emotions run wild. 
