I decided for this profile to be anonymous because this is my way to get rid of some thaughts that I don't want to share with friends or family. Writing has always healped me to get the weight of my heart so I hope that someone will finde this interesting to read. My blogs will mostly content the sad and personal stuff in my life, so hope someone will enjoy this.
Lots of Love to all the readers and visitors.
Once again ..
To be honest, I don’t feel like sharing this, not because I don’t want to get this of my chest, or tell, but because I would have to think about it. This is something that I have been trying to forget, but the thoughts of it still keep me awake at night. This is one of the reasons I created this account, probably the biggest one. I needed to share it, to let someone know how I felt, without holding anything back. This is a thing, that makes me feel so ridicules, a thing that I still don’t quite understand, but I will not drag it out any more, so here it comes. I think that the ones that are going to read it will maybe get surprised of what this is actually about, but sadly, it is what it is. Well, how should I start this? I am a person who has been hurt many times, and whether you like it or not, there will come a breaking point, and the worse thing is, that it doesn’t come when you expect it, and it doesn’t only come once. I have reached one of mine. I have been hurt by someone I fell in love with over only five days. Trust me, I bet that to the most of you will think that this sound ridicules, and you would think that I am a weak person, but don’t judge, I am not weak, and to me this still feels ridicules. I don’t believe in love, I never did, and I still don’t. I don’t even know how to explain what love is to me. Newer in my life has it hit me so hard, or so student. Everything was perfect, and I let myself fall into it. I felt happy, everything felt so right that I didn’t even know how to react. It felt so right that it felt wrong. We almost didn’t know each other but newer in my life have I felt something that was so real, and suddenly, everything feel apart. He didn’t want me. I was not good enough. There was someone else, which he thought was better for him. I couldn’t even look at him, I couldn’t breath, it felt like a thousand pieces of glass pierced throw my heart. I couldn’t believe it, how could this happen again? The emptiness hit me in a split second; it was nothing like before, but worse than ever. I thought he could rescue me. I was reaching for help, and got shot down, and once again, not being good enough strangled me. It has been 3 month now, and thinking back is hard, though I feel like it helps in a weird way.
Not good enough ..
Well, I have been carrying this around in my head for a while now without really figuring anything out. This is a thing that I rather not talk about with friends and a thing that I keep away from my family, for bouth there sake, and my own. It all started with a feeling of not being good enough, this feeling slowly suffocates you from within and although people say that it helps to talk about it, it sadly dosen’t always work. Not in my case. This is something that grows to the point of no return, when everything semes to break down, like it’s out of control, and that’s when you begin to look for a way to handle it. You try to finde ways to make yourself remember how it feels to have control over something. When it comes to me, I found it in an eatingdisorder. It is one of the worse ways to make yourself feel in control of something, but once you have fallen in, its hard to return, and specialy when you don’t want to. I understand that this is wrong, but it seemed like the perfect way to make myself feel better, to get thiner, better looking, maby then I will be good enough. It made, and still makes me feel like I’m in control of at least something, but it’s newer enough. I crave after losing more weight, although some of the people that I meet think that I should gain some, but I don’t se what they se. I newer did. People that get to know the story say that I need healp, but I just don’t feel sick enough. It’s a way of punishing yourself, for the things that went wrong, even if they wern’t your fault. It started slow, but for the last few mounth I only alow myself to eat once and sometimes twise a week. It’s a given day. Meanwhile, all different kindes of flued keeps me going. I feel terrible for writting this, but It is a hudge weight of bouth my shoulders, and my heart. Many people say that eatingdisorders are to get attention, and maybe in some cases they are, but not in mine. This is something that I am ashamed of, and still, proud in a sick way. A secret that suffocates me. Every mirror says different things, and some days it seemes like I am close to my goal, or that I already have reached it, and others it feels like I couldent bee more far away. This all started with depression, and losing someone I loved and still love deeply, and now I don’t have any good or happy thaughts in my minde, and when they try to get in, they don’t stay for a long time. Everything seemes to be too much to handle and the emotions run wild. 
